The Fangirlization of Capt. Jack Sparrow

Possibly one of the scariest places on the Internet is Fanfiction.Net, specifically the categories for Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean. The majority of authors who write in these fandoms refuse to acknowledge canon, for one reason or another, but it all boils down to the fact that most of them are immature teenagers who "lurv Orli!!!1!"

Since I don't read fanfiction based on books -- with the exception of the hilarious Bagenders -- I'll be focusing on a much-abused fandom, Pirates of the Caribbean.

Jack Sparrow
This wonderful character is usually depicted as...

• A borderline-alcoholic who does nothing but drink or think about drinking, rum.
• Saying "savvy" and "luv" all the time.
• Insists to be called "CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!!!!!!111!"
• Calling Will "whelp" all the time.
• Singing "A Pirates Life for Me" all the time.
• Sharing his feelings.
• Wanting to find Twu Wuv.

So, basically it's like that. The last two are most definately a case of wishful thinking, as Jack is an around-forty pirate who doesn't seem to have much luck with the ladies, and who doesn't go around sharing his innermost thoughts, feelings or experiences, and especially not with some little teenybopper who could be his daughter.

I made a list of stats regarding how many times Jack says certain phrases in the movie.

Jack Sparrow Statistics
Number of Spoken Lines: 107
Number of times he says…
Savvy: 6
Mate: 11 (!)
Love: 4
Eunuch: 2
Whelp: 1 (Echoing Barbossa!)
Aye: 5

Things He Calls Elizabeth Other Than ‘Love’
Elizabeth
Dear
Miss Swann
Darling (twice)
M’lady
Fair lady
Bonny lass
Young missy
The future Mrs. Commodore

Things He Calls Will Other Than ‘Whelp’
Boy (thrice)
Son
Mr. Turner
Young Mr. Turner (twice)
Dear William


Multisyllabic words used by Jack (Fangirls usually aren't smart enough to use these):
Superfluous
Proliferous
Ecumenically

Times He Sings ‘A Pirate’s Life for Me’: 2

Times We Actually See Him Drinking: 2 (grog in the Faithful Bride and rum on the island)

Times He Insists on Being Called 'Captain': 2 (only when he's being introduced)

Links

To see the POTC FFN section yourself: http://www.fanfiction.net/list.php?categoryid=1617

Bagenders: http://bagenders.stormpages.com

If you can't read the story well -- it's in dark green there -- go here: http://www.bagenders.rosiesamfrodo.com/episodes.html